His Secret Heart (Crown Creek) Read online

  “Honey, where are your shoes?”

  I pasted a blithe smile on my face and looked down at my bare dirty feet. “Oh, I hate shoes. I try to wear them as little as possible, you know?”

  “Oh for sure, I do that too. But in the summer. There’s frost on the ground out there, honey!”

  “Is there?” I turned around and looked. As if I hadn’t noticed. As if I hadn’t felt the the cold with each step. “It doesn’t bother me.”

  The lie burned in my stomach. I didn’t lie anymore. This was crazy. All I needed to do was go knock on Finn’s door and demand he give my shoes back before I left.

  The woman shook her head. “You guys are a hardier breed than me. Out there in only your tents when the season is over. You’re the one in Lot 43, right?”

  I nodded and she slid her finger along a pad of paper. “You’re checking out today?”

  “I am. Gotta pack up yet, but I needed some coffee first if you’ve got it.” I pulled a crumpled dollar bill out of my pocket.

  She filled a Styrofoam cup from a carafe and handed it over. It was weak and bitter, close enough coffee to satisfy only the worst addict’s craving. The polar opposite of the smooth, rich mellowness of what Finn had served me.

  I winced as I sipped, then forced a smiled.

  “So where are you headed now?” She ran her finger down the paper again. “ - Sky? That’s a pretty name. I’m Dinah.”

  “Thank you. I don’t know yet, actually.” I took another sip and wiggled my toes. “I don’t have much of a plan yet, Dinah. Not much of one, anyway.” Lingering here meant I would have to hustle to pack up and break down my tent before check out. And I still didn’t have my shoes.

  Dinah smiled. “Whatever way the wind blows, right?”

  I winced again. And this time it had nothing to do with the coffee. “Usually.” The coffee was jumpstarting my brain, and the warmth was making me relax. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Sure, honey.”

  “Are you from around here? Crown Creek, I mean?”

  It was a long shot. A very long shot. But she looked the right age, maybe a little younger. If she had known my Dad…

  Her face fell a bit. “Not exactly.” She narrowed her eyes. “How much do you know about it, round here?”

  “I grew up in Reckless Falls, actually.”

  She nodded. “So not far. That’s a pretty area. Got some friends that moved there recently.”

  I finished my coffee and tried to summon some happy memories because I knew it would show on my face if I didn't. "It was tough in the summer with all the tourists,” I confided. “But after Labor Day it started to feel like ours again."

  She nodded, pressing a strong, thick finger to the center of her chin. In the long pause that followed, I had time to take in her faded pink sweatshirt and jeans cut for a man. A long brown braid shot through with streaks of silver was tucked into her shirt collar. Her brows were bushy and she had a spray of light hair over her top lip, but her eyes were kind and looked like they’d seen a lot. I had the strongest, strangest urge to hug her. “Well now,” she asked, her voice carefully nonchalant. Like she wanted to downplay the importance of her next question. ”You ever see any of God’s Chosen down that way?”

  The name rang the faintest of bells. I wracked my brain. “Oh, the cult?” I asked.

  I immediately wanted to eat my words. The long braid was a dead giveaway. “Oh. Oh my God, I’m so sorry. That was such a terrible thing to say.”

  She blew out a heavy sigh. "No, you're right on, it’s definitely a cult. I'm not part of it anymore.” She lifted her heavy braid and let it fall alongside her. “I cut it off first thing, but felt naked without it so I let it grow back. Keeps me tied to it, you know?” She dropped her voice to the point where I had to lean in to catch what she was saying. “I got a lot of family still in there. Feels like I should stick around close. In case they need me.” Her eyes brimmed with sadness, and an almost unbearable hope.

  “That's kind of you,” I faltered. Her intensity was making me uncomfortable.

  “Family is family."

  "I wouldn't know.” I lifted my hand in farewell, taking a huge step back so I didn't have to say anything. Just in case my voice started shaking.

  I walked slowly enough back to my tent to feel the cold seep through my feet. But I couldn’t help it. I felt weighed down by Dinah’s words. She was from here. She had roots she wasn’t willing to let go of, no matter how poisoned the tree turned out. She kept her ties.

  Unlike me. I was about to pack up and leave - with no destination in mind - for no other reason than that’s what I did. I didn’t even want to, but felt compelled to anyway.

  I walked slower and slower, until I came to a dead stop in the middle of an empty dirt road.

  I was an addict. Chaos and upheaval were my drugs of choice.

  And the only way to break myself of the habit was to go cold turkey.

  I spun around and faced the office building again. A campground is hardly a permanent place. But packing up and moving on right now would only feed my addiction.

  “One month.” I said it aloud. Sternly . The way Janet would have done. Giving me a time limit at the window. Putting some structure around my chaos.

  I rushed back to the office and burst into the door for a second time. “How much for a month’s rent?” I panted to Dinah.

  “Well now, honey, hang on. Its off-season, so I bet I could give you a good rate.”

  I nodded and leaned against the counter. One month. The very idea made my scalp itch and I felt myself already struggling against the order. Trying to wheedle it down. Bargain for my freedom. The way my Dad would have.

  “Fuck,” I mouthed. That settled it. If I could stay rooted here for one month, it would prove I could build a life with more than just the scraps I’d been handed. When Dinah told me the price, my resolve almost faltered. Until she agreed to only take a deposit now, with the full balance due later.

  And just like that, I was living in Crown Creek.

  “Hey, one more thing?” I asked Dinah before she went back to the safe.

  “Yes, honey?”

  “You know the area, right?”

  “I do, yes.”

  I looked down. “Can you tell me where I can buy some shoes?”

  Chapter Fourteen

  Finn

  When the windows lightened from black to gray, I gave up on ever falling asleep.

  It wasn’t for lack of trying. I’d utilized every trick in my dirtbag arsenal. Two beers sat heavily in my stomach, doing nothing but make me feel uncomfortable. The first hit off the joint left me so paranoid I chucked it down the drain.

  And when I closed my eyes and tried to jerk off to the memory of the sounds Sky made when she came, I couldn’t do it. It seemed like a betrayal of… something. Some principle I was unaware I possessed.

  It was frustrating as fuck.

  Especially when I was pretty sure last night was goodbye. People came and went in this campground. Always a rotating cast of happy vacationers - or sad refugees from real life, like Sky. And me.

  “Fuck it.” I sat up and propelled myself out of my bed. For the first time, leaving actually seemed possible. Necessary even.

  I suddenly could think of nothing else.

  The motivation that had eluded me for a nearly a week was now switched on full blast. I took a big step, ready to finally be on the move.

  And fell right on my ass.

  “Ah, what the fuck!” I rubbed my shin. I’d tripped over… something… and stumbled right into my bedframe before landing on the floor. What the hell had I stepped on? I looked around, and then down…

  And stared at the unlaced sneaker on the floor.

  I had a fuzzy memory, more like a dream than anything, of it digging into the small of my back as I thrust inside of her. I’d yanked it off and thrown it over my shoulder, where it had landed out of sight.

  Where it had stayed. Along with the other one I fi
shed out from way under the bed.

  Did Sky have any other shoes? I had no idea. Leaning over, I looked out the window and saw the glitter of frost still clinging to each blade of grass. It was cold out there. I hoped she had boots.

  Did she have boots?

  I went down on my hands and knees and peered further under my bed.

  “Ah, fuck me.” A fitted white sock lay there. Right next to a pair of white panties.

  She’d run out of here last night with no intention of coming back. What did I owe her here? Disappearing without a trace and stealing her shoes and panties in the process?

  Or being a decent fucking person and giving them back?

  I could be an asshole and walk them over to the lost and found at the camp store. I could leave them on my doorstep and hope she’d notice.

  Or, I could be like my brother.

  I stood up and yanked a shirt over my head. Then pulled on my jeans and a coat. And boots too, because the morning looked cold as fuck. Then I headed out to face a person who probably hoped she’d never have to see me again.

  Jesus. Being a good person was a pain in the fucking ass.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Sky

  Armed with the directions Dinah had given me, I hurried back to my tent.

  Why did I choose the lot the furthest from the camp store? I was so far off, it took a second for my bright blue tent to come back into view.

  And for me to see the silhouette of the man crouching next to it.

  A flutter of fear - it’s one of my brothers, what does he want? how’d he find me? - made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I stopped short and stared.

  He was behaving... oddly. He shifted and bounced on the balls of his feet. His hands moved like he was having a conversation with the front of my empty tent. I inched closer at the same time the sun finally broke through the heavy clouds.

  Leather jacket. Light brown hair. Big beard a shade darker than the hair of his head.

  “Finn!”

  He jumped to his feet when he heard me, and then did a comical triple take between me and my tent. “You weren’t in there?”

  “Clearly not.”

  “Oh.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I thought you were just ignoring me.”

  “What were you even doing?”

  “Trying to give you these.” He held out my shoes.

  “Oh my God. Thank you” I grabbed them, yanked out the sock he’d tucked into one and pulled it onto my foot. Then I yanked the other sock out and -.

  It wasn’t a sock.

  “Oh for fuck’s sake.” I quickly shoved the panties he’d returned into my pocket. But not quick enough to stop the blush that flared on my cheeks.

  He looked down and away. But not before I saw that he was blushing too. “You’ve been running around barefoot?" he grumbled. "It’s freezing.”

  “I have. Why does that make you mad?”

  “I'm not.”

  “You sound mad,” I pressed.

  He shook his head. “I’d hoped seeing me again was preferable to frostbite. I guess it isn’t.”

  “It wasn’t that.” Or was it? “Yeah it was. I guess I'd chalked them up to a lost cause.”

  He took a deep breath and blew it out.

  I took a deep breath as well. “Look -.”

  “Yeah?”

  I shook my head. “No, go ahead. Were you going to say something?”

  “I wasn’t, you can…”

  I pressed my lips together and we both went silent. I thought miserably of the deposit I’d just put down with Dinah. Forcing me to stay here instead of fleeing like I’d wanted. “Look,” I said. Slowly. Because these were words I’d never said before. “I’m sorry. I think we might have gotten off on the wrong foot.”

  “You mean, we fucked on one foot.”

  “Is that supposed to be funny?”

  “I don’t know.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I… don’t know.”

  “Okay. Well.”

  “Can we maybe…?”

  “Start over?” I supplied.

  He looked relieved that I’d suggested it. “Yeah.”

  I tapped my fingers against my thigh. It was one thing to arrive at conclusions in the privacy of your own tent. It was another thing to put them into action. Especially when the focal point of your chaotic cravings was standing right in front of you.

  “I don’t want…” How could I put it into words? “The last thing I need is… I don’t even know what the fuck is going on…”

  “I don’t want anything from you, Sky,” he said in a rush.

  I looked up in surprise. He shifted his gaze like it was uncomfortable to look back at me, but with a great effort he kept his gaze direct.

  “Everything is… “ I was doing a terrible job at this.

  But he nodded like he understood. “So, you’re leaving?”

  “Why?”

  He shrugged and looked away.

  I swallowed. “No. I’m not.”

  He looked back at me.

  “Do you think I should?” I pressed.

  “I don’t think you should do anything.”

  “I’m not going to do the walk of shame here, Finn. So we had some… so we... So we fucked.” His eyebrow shot up. “And maybe we both regret it a little? But fuck it. I'm not going to run away from my regrets any more. I’m staying here. I just paid for a month’s rent.”

  “You’re going to freeze.”

  “Yeah, probably. But I have to prove to myself that I can do it. So if it’s gonna be awkward, well, tough. I’ll stay away from you if you want. I can ask to move to a different lot. But I’m not going to disappear just because you don’t want to see me anymore.” Was I talking to him or was I taking to my father’s family? I wasn’t sure. “I’m not your dirty secret or your worst regret. I’m a human fucking being.”

  Finn blinked. “Jesus.” He licked his lips. “Sky. You’ve got it all wrong.”

  “Do I?”

  “I don’t want you to disappear.”

  “You sure about that?”

  “I don’t know why you think these things about me, but you’re wrong. You don’t know me.” He drew a deep breath and held up his hand when he saw me ready to snap at him. “I don’t know you either. But what I’m saying is, I’d like to.”

  “What?”

  “I was coming over here to… well I was giving you your shoes back but also… I wanted to give you my number too. If you were leaving I wanted to… stay in touch.”

  “I thought - .“ He’d cut himself off from his family. From everyone. Why me?

  He gave me a look like he understood what I was thinking. “Maybe I want to prove something to myself, too.”

  “I can’t…” I cleared my throat. “I’m not going to fuck you.”

  He nodded. “That seems like a good plan.”

  “So how are we…?”

  “I can just be your friend?”

  Something slid into place. “Can you?”

  “Maybe not.” He shrugged. “But I’ll at least attempt it?”

  “So. Starting over… as friends?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Should we... shake on it?”

  “Okay.” He held out his hand. As it closed over mine, I felt the echo of his touch on my skin. The roughness of his callouses, the strength in his fingertips. These were the same hands, but now he held me gently. The strength was something solid I could hold on to.

  Without meaning to, I squeezed, which seemed to startle him. He stiffened and jerked his elbow, but with the same effort he was exerting to hold my gaze, he kept his hand in mine.

  “Why is this so hard for you?”

  “Asking questions again?” This time he drew his hand back.

  “We’re friends. We’re talking.”

  “You’re talking.”

  “You talk just as much, you know.” I pointed out. “You’re not the stalwart, stoic silent type you seem to think you are. You were downright chatty
last night.”

  Mentioning last night made us both stiffen and this time, I was the one who looked away. “So we’re friends now.” I needed to remind him, I thought. And myself. “You must not have had too many friends growing up, right? Because you spent so much time on the road?”